01/30/2017

last week i had my 10 year mammo & ultrasound. i think it was the least stressful of any to date. how fucked up is that? the tech was new (again) but nice. she actually told me as we went along that everything was looking good, that there was nothing new showing up, pointed to which img was last year, which was this year... i couldn't see any difference. achetson came in to do the US. not a tech. that's usually where i have found i stress the most. anyway, she's talking and looking, points out the implant on the image JIC i don't recognize it. she remembered the cyst that's been there 2 years now and found it easily. she said it'd shrunk from a 4.something to a 3.6 i think. that's gotta be millimeters. i still haven't got my 10yr onco scheduled, but i did get a letter saying i could schedule my MRI. i'm torn. i know several women who've gone 10yrs and then was diagnosed again. so if i skip the 10yr MRI i don't jinx myself? do i do the 10yr and then stop? just keep up with the mammo/USs? also means i stop seeing the onco as well if i stop the MRI. it's save me 1200$/year to not have those 2 bills. but money shouldn't be the decision maker. planning on having a big 10 year party. sadly not on the 6th of feb, but after so i'm ok with it. more affected by the fact that feb6 is a monday this year and cafe juanita is of course closed. so we won't be there on the day this time. a first in the 10yrs. actually has me pretty upset. weird how some simple routines are so important to daily life. i totally get the OCD where you touch stuff 3x, or have to turn a handle 8x or whatever! anyway, i'm trying to keep the group small, and i'm not dissing anyone if you're reading this wondering where your invite is. i can't invite everyone. but they went out and while i sent it out 3 months later than i had wanted, pretty much everyone who has to travel can't make it. not surprised tho with late notice. but there are also a few ppl who i really *really* wanted to be there and can't. i guess i have to deal with it. matt agreed to doing something for just the 2 of us that would be really really special since we won't be at CJ on teh 6th this year. curious to know what it is as that's now a week away. i'm trying frantically to get a top for the skirt i found to wear to the party. trying to channel my inner audrey (hepburn) & grace (kelly). not sure i'll be able to do it but i do have a couple options that will work. i realize i'm babbling. i'm a little distracted by the fact that the 1st 18months of this blog seem to be missing. also torn coz there are posts i should've written but didn't, and that has me feeling like i've cheated you. i haven't been "keepin' it 100". and there are a lot of things i wanted to tell you. good and bad. way back when i thought about turning this into a book. using the posts and then commenting on them, kinda thing - with stuff i left out, or a hind-sight deal...but i really didn't have the time to do it without really disrupting our lives and matt was too busy to be able to pick up what i would've had to drop so i never did. now i really wish i had, it would've also kept me honest with posting here. and i would probably have 'published' it next month. oh well. too late now to go back and try to remember shit from 10yrs ago. i have enough problems remembering 10mins ago! i've cycled thru all the docs in the past 10yrs except my GP. bless him, he's younger by only a wee bit than me, but he's younger. hopefully he'll outlive me. my OB's NP who i loved left at 4yrs i think - i'm sure i must've written a post for that. that really affected me. my onco left at 8yrs. my 2nd NP left at 8yrs. - seeing a new gal in feb my internal US study ended at 9yrs. - i'll have to talk with OB about this my shrink left at 10yrs. - seeing a new guy in feb i've spent a lot of time thinking over the past couple years about getting the other breast removed and just doing implants. i honestly don't really like the things but i don't have enough belly for either TRAM or the DIEP. the TUG is where they take the fat from the inside quad (thigh) muscle. the adductor? whichever squeezes in, anyway. but word is pretty conclusive this would affect my biking. the BUT flap, well, they take it from the bottom of the bottom so sitting...yeah. you get the drift. they really don't like doing this if they can avoid it. if i'm going to do this i need to be prepared to not give up the gigs which could be uncomfortable but i can't afford to lose a year at this point. when we did this i had my hesitations but chose to do it for logical reasons. but it has never gone away, everytime i look in the mirror. and i feel it inside me still. there was a slight unlevel aspect which welk said we could do a teeny little pull to even them out but i never did it. a few weeks back i noticed it needs a slightly bigger pull now to make them even. so if i did this i'd have level boobs which will always stay perky no matter what. but i'll have to do it soon before clarfeld and welk decide to retire. which probably doesn't leave me much time. also hesitant on this coz it means ins will not pay for the MRI so obviously they'll be no more, and no mammo. but i could get an US. atcheson (ok, i really have no idea how she spells it) would do the US if i wanted on a yearly basis. as any relationship matt & i have had our ups and downs. but we're still together. amazing i know. no, still not married. more scared the dipshit now in office will kill me (WWIII or the like) within the next 4 years or as long as he's in power than i am of another cancer diagnosis. cancer for my 40th birthday a new hip for my 50th birthday seems surreal it's been 10 years.