Monday, April 26, 2010

4/26/2010

i'm losing my mind.
literally.

the last year and a half, two years, things have gone missing in this house. it's no secret my skill at multi-tasking has gone to hell in a hand basket since i was diagnosed. thank you cancer (chemo) brain!

seriously, several relatives have had alzheimers, and i'm convinced there's a link between the cancer and alzheimers as 'chemo brain' as they call it resembles early onset alzheimers.

stuff has gone missing. my stuff. stuff that never leaves this house unless i'm wearing it, and they are now no longer in this house.

1st to be missed (but perhaps not actually the 1st item to go missing) was my white ipod in my pink ribbon case.
then my black jacket.
then a pair of black boots.
now 3 pieces of music.

there are a couple of smaller things i remember but not having actually written them down i don't remember what they are LOL HAHAHAHAHA what a joke that is!

matt's trying to calm me down and tell me not to worry that it'll be ok. he looked for the music and didn't find it. i pulled it out of the folder on saturday afternoon when i was getting quartet music out. i set it down either on my instrument case or on teh edge of the table. both are right behind where i was standing, next to each other. if i set it on my case i would've moved it to the table when i picked up my instrument to go to my gig sat. night. i thought i had put it into my viola case with the rest of monday night's music. but at rehearsal tonight i realized i didn't have it with me. guess i left it on the table. i get home and it's not there. not only is it not there, it's not in the room. it's not in the kitchen, the walk-in closet, bathroom, bedroom, hallway, living room and i didn't look in the dining room but i haven't gone in there since we got home. - - but if i'm losing time or memory or whatever they call it, maybe i should look in there.  it's not in my case, the stand case, teh bag i took to the gig, the bag with other orchestra music...

haven't found the ipod. matt thinks i wore it out and if fell out of my pocket. as far as i know i never wore it outside the house. i only wore that one while i was doing chores around the house. i hadn't even done any travelling with that one.

my jacket - black, short, long sleeves. i got it at nordstrom rack. now TBH i don't really need another jacket - i have not gone out and replaced it with something else. but i liked that jacket. it was waterproof, warm, comfortable, lightweight to carry but heavier than if i was wearing a cardigan. matt thinks i wore it somewhere and left it. if i actually wore it somewhere i needed it to wear home so i wouldn't have left it. if someone broke into my car there'd be evidence.

my boots - i wore on new years eve.  i sat down on teh blue bench in the entry and removed them. i noticed they were starting to peel (manmade uppers) near the seams but i could still wear them a few more times. they are so comfortable. i got them at nordy's for about 70$ more than 5 years ago and have loved them. anyway, they are no longer in the house. i have since been through nordy's and there's nothing even remotely similar anymore. i should try DSW, but this is all beside the point. i took them off and if i hadn't put them away right then i would've within the next few days. but they aren't there. i can't find them anywhere in the house.

the music sat/today was just the icing on the cake i guess. my snapping point. i just sat down on the floor in the middle of the music room and started to cry. not sure how long i was up there. squeak was a good kitty and came in to help. but without opposing thumbs there's only so much she can do.

i don't know what's happening. it scares me. i don't know if i'm really 'losing time' or whatever, or if someone else is moving them around. is someone coming into the house and hiding things on me? i'm not accusing - i did think of the maid. but she had an ipod long before me, she has a really nice jacket, she doens't play music (besides she hasn't been here since saturday) and she wears a different size shoe. so why would she take any of those? if matt has people in to audition instruments they stay in teh living room. so if everything was in there maybe that could be a possibility, but he hasn't had anyone in to explain the boots and maybe the jacket.

there are times when something will happen and i don't remember doing it. for example i'll be taking pics for matt's ebay. i always take the 'same series' of pics for each like instrument. meaning i put a tpt down a certain way, take the pics in the same order as all the other tpts, turn the tpt over and do the same order of pics etc...   i'll be going along and do say side #2, and realize i must've taken side #1 if i'm currently on side #2, but i have no memory of taking them, and it was only a couple minutes ago. i look back through the camera and sure enough the images are there. but i'll be dumbfounded at how they got there.