i finally admitted to matt how upset i was about and that i regretted not continuing this blog and turning it into a book. i wish i had kept posting even though i knew it wouldn't turn into anything else.
we've had issues on and off. getting diagnosed changed me. i became much more patient and relaxed but matt became more agitated and easily upset. i thought that overall things were good between us, but i found out last year i was mistaken. we both have our issues. our baggage. our fears and insecurities. add the last year of this whole house remodel and it's been very strained. the only good thing about all the F-ing house stuff is that our relationship is no worse off than it was almost a year ago to the day. it's no better, but it's not worse.
i won't go into details in this public forum. just know that it has taken me this long to face my denial. (longer than i was diagnosed to be fiar) i have no idea what the future holds for me but i have a very good feeling that my life will be very different in the near future. i deserve to be good to me. i deserve to have someone be good to me. and there are too many things gone awry in this relationship over the years to easily get past them. i'm not saying we can't, but we both have to want it badly and be willing to work on it together. so far we've been on different pages as far as that goes.
if we stay together it'll be a dream. that's what i've always wanted. if we split up his life will be different only in the fact that i won't be in it. i'm not happy making this decision, i'm scared of what will happen. i will have to learn how to live alone again, how to find happiness in working a 40hr/week for a pittance of pay that won't cover rent and bills. i guess i'll get a lot of reading done though. that will be my source of entertainment (and cable). i'm not trying to get pity, even though as i read this it sounds like it. i'm only trying to get down the emotions, and thoughts before i forget them, like i have so many things related to my cancer and subsequent years.
funny. when i started to type i started to cry. it's the 1st time since i told matt that either we're a couple and we commit to each other - and i wasn't talking about running out and getting married, or we were just friends. i didn't need an answer then, but i deserved an answer sooner than later. he took it all much better than i thought he would. in fact he wanted to give me a hug afterwards. but i refused it. that's part of how i was able to stay in denial of it all. he had his appointment as he calls it this afternoon and i suspect htey spent time talking about this.
however he hasn't said 1 word to me since i told him he had to make a choice. i think you can cut the tension in the room with a knife as they say. felt really odd sitting on the couch near each other. it's like, do i say anything? what do i say? i don't want to impose on his space. but of course if we're only going to be friends this isn't really the way to do it, either.
he's about to leave for rehearsal. i'm glad i have thursdays off as i'm playing with another orchestra this cycle. i'll take some pics as many as i can and then have dinner. i think i'll stay up and watch tv until he gets home. maybe 1 day soon i'll be update this blog with good news.
